Ismail Haniyeh, head of Hamas, currently operates from Qatar. Using GPS
“gematria positioning system,” a cutting-edge pseudo-technology, I, your intrepid investigator, located him in room #108 (gematria: gehinnom) in the prestigious Hilton Doha hotel.
Disguised as a hotel orderly, I gained entrance to the room, ostensibly to change the sheets. While I wasn’t able to bug the phone—Mr. Haniyeh was on a call with room service—I managed to place a listening device nearby. What follows is an exclusive transcript of a recording of Mr. Haniyeh’s end of a conversation he had with Yahya Sinwar, his second-in-command, currently on the ground in Gaza.
Yahya! How are you, my brave friend?…
Okay, okay, but aside from the bombs and lack of water and hummus, everything else okay? …
[Shouting] What? They’re complaining? Ingrates! Well, tell them we’re sorry, but the tunnels are reserved for fighters. No civilians allowed. Citizens are to remain above ground, especially near our rocket launchers. And tell them that our water, food and fuel supplies are also for the exclusive use of our holy warriors, not the hoi polloi. Not for hospitals, either. All fuel goes to killing Jews! Do hospitals kill Jews? Sheesh…
What? Tell them that’s the whole point! When they are injured or killed, they are helping the jihad! Such grumblers… Don’t they want martyrdom, and all its… perks? —By the way, make sure there are photographers nearby. Very important. And speaking of casualties, any updated death count?…
Wonderful! Just add a few zeros to the end of the number—hey, zero is nothing, right? Ha-ha! Little jihad joke there!—and report it through our respected—ha-ha, another little joke there!—Health Ministry to CNN and The New York Times. And make sure to say that most of the victims were children…
Ah, my silly friend, but they were! Aren’t we all our parents’ children? So most of the casualties—all of them, actually—are children! Sometimes, Yahya, I wonder if the bombs might have scrambled your brain. You did a good job, though, getting rid of the missile fragments from that hospital our fellow jihadis hit by accident—or, maybe, not by accident…
And the hostages? Did you release a couple as ordered? And did you make sure they knew that the fate of their fellow captives would be dependent on how nicely they spoke about us to the media?…
Good, good. And you made videos of other hostages, pleading with the enemy to give in to our demands?…
Hmm. That’s no problem. Just have the weapons edited out of the videos. Contact our Photoshop Division. You know, Yahya, I really worry about you sometimes…
Excuse me for a minute, shahid. Room service is knocking…
— [Muffled] Yes, come in. Right there on the table… What? I ordered Chardonnay, not champagne! Infidel! I… don’t… like… bubbles! What, are you, a Jew? Take this back and bring me what I ordered! No bubbles! And this lobster is clearly overcooked! —
Sorry, Yahya, I’m back. It was something important…
Well, puh-leeze! Don’t sound so resentful, habibi. You know, it isn’t easy overseeing the whole operation. I need peace and quiet to concentrate. And I watch the bombings and bombed-out buildings on television every night, after my favorite program. Terrible.
Which reminds me, have you been preventing people from moving south?…
Well, of course they’re going to say that! Tell them that moving out of harm’s way plays into the hands of the enemy! It is their duty to stay put and stand tall. At least until they drop—heh-heh, just another little jihad joke. And make sure that their children, the little ones that is, stay with them…
Such stubborn, un-Islamic souls. So then, block roads leading south. We need footage, the bloodier, the better. Where is your common sense, Yahya? Have you been hitting the hashish?
And Yahya, have you been coordinating with our American contacts, to make sure that those terrible “Hostage” flyers are torn down? They make us look bad! Islamophobia! Also, they make Jews seem human…
Good, good. And the colleges? Have we managed to fill those kids’ empty heads with our slogans and hatred?…
Sababa! But no, no,! Not “Murder Jews!” Chants need to be more subtle, like “From the river to the sea…” and “Free Palestine”! Thank All-h for providing us such useful idiots as young, “idealistic” Americans. If they only knew what we’d do to them if they lived among us… But let them think we are friends. Stupid does stupid…
Sorry, got to go, habibi. Room service is knocking. See you in paradise! ●
