I got married at 20 years old, while I was still learning. I knew I wasn’t going to stay in kollel long term, so my father helped me maximize my time there by arranging for top yungeleit to learn with me. One of my chavrusas was Reb Meir, who is now a famous rav in Lakewood, New Jersey. I had very little zitzfleish to learn a full seder (today they call that ADHD), so I spent much of my learning time talking to Reb Meir about hashkafah instead.
Reb Meir was a huge talmid chacham. He was a very bacheint and easygoing person, but as we talked more, I learned how meticulous he was about halachah. He even oversaw his own shechitah! I listened with curiosity as he explained how he used this approach in raising his family.
I asked, “Aren’t you nervous about being so meticulous? What if it’s not for all of your kids and one of them rebels?”
He wasn’t at all rattled by my question.
“The chinuch I give my kids is to lead by example and to set a very strong foundation,” he said. “I have an understanding with my children—until they are 16 years old, they have to do things my way. My primary job of chinuch ends at 16. Of course, I will always guide them, but the ‘my way or the highway’ approach is over. In theory, although I want them to continue on that path, they are their own people once they turn 16. By then, they have a strong foundation, and because they know they have options, they have no reason to rebel.”
I was intrigued. Reb Meir explained how critical it was to have a firm yad for those first 16 years. Then he dropped an amazing insight.
“Children rebel in spite of their parents. I remove the ‘in spite of’ by giving them permission to do it. When you set them free, they no longer want to fight.” He went on to explain that the power of ‘in spite of’ can be something that either propels us forward in life or holds us back.
I couldn’t shake those three simple words…
Then it hit me. Often in life and business, people do things in spite of people or circumstances. If you give them a reason to prove points for the good, you can channel this natural drive for great outcomes. If you don’t, though, you may be creating the very rebellion or result you’re afraid might happen.
How many times were my words giving people the ammo to do things in spite of me?
When I opened Eastern, I had many people tell me I would never succeed, and that gave me the drive I needed to go the distance.
Later down the road, when employees quit, had to be let go, or went to competitors, that rabbi’s voice echoed in my head. Even if a working relationship went sour, I never wanted to give people a reason to go succeed or lash out in spite of me. Instead of challenging them with personal insults—like the classic line we often hear, “You’ll never be successful if you leave this company”—I kept my words focused on the work at hand.
There were a lot of people I could have challenged over the years, but why give them the fire to prove me wrong?
My next epiphany was that this meant more than being intentional with my words. This mindset was the key to determining how successful a person could be.
I used to gather all of my brokers in one room after training them for a few months. I wanted to find out who had the ambition to be one of the top brokers in our firm. I asked, “What place do you think you’re going to be in?”
They would each give a number. The ones who gave a lower number would explain, “Because of my current circumstances or the advantage everyone else has, I think I’ll only be the fifth-highest producer.”
The ones who thought they would be number one said, “In spite of my circumstances or other people’s advantages, I’m going to outperform them.”
The incredible part was that they were all right! If they thought they could be successful, nine times out of ten, they were. If they thought they would rank low, they usually did.
My most successful employees always had an “in spite of” mindset, not a “because of” list of excuses. The most toxic mindset on our sales team was the belief that “because of X, I’m as good as I can be.” I couldn’t train that broker because there was no room for growth.
As I have had the chance to meet successful people in other industries, I find this rule holds true. Despite their past circumstances, they believe they can succeed anyway, and they use that drive to accomplish amazing things.
Reb Meir taught me that the principle of “in spite of” works for or against us every day—in our families, in our teams, and in our business partnerships. How we use it is up to us. Ultimately, we decide whether we let someone else’s words or circumstances dictate our future. Az men zucht, gefint men. If we believe we can be successful in spite of the setbacks we might face, with Hashem’s help, we can accomplish the impossible.
https://www.klalgovoah.org/yahrzeit ●
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