והרכיבוהו על הסוס // How Dr. Seuss would ride the Megillah.

By Chagi Katz

Choose someone to read this Megillah
who can read with much more speed.
You have to be a speedy reader ‘cuz there’s so so much to read.
There are so many things that you’ll learn about, but you’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.
So that’s why I tell you to keep your eyes wide,
Keep them wide open at least on one side.

Said Achashveirosh from his royal throne,
“127 provinces I am proud to own!
So to celebrate, to make all understand,
Make me a party so great and so grand!
For this 180 day party, plus one extra week,
Invite those who are mild and those who are meek.
Invite those who are tiny and those who are cute,
Let them drink what they wish, don’t force them,
don’t shoot.
Invite those who are fat and those who are thin,
And make sure if the Jews come that they are let in.
We’ll fix up dishes that are to their taste.
If we can’t get them to sin it will be such a waste.
So make sure everything is kosherly spiced,
And that every cake is kosherly iced.
It may be hard cooking up such a feast,
But we’ll get all the Jews to come here at least.”
Think and wonder, wonder and think,
“How much wine can 127 provinces drink?”
They like to drink and drink and drink,
They like to drink until they can’t think.

And so they drank and were drunk very soon,
Then the king called to his wife in a
deep drunken tune,
To come and present her beauty and grace,
And she was quite happy this thought to embrace.
Until the wicked queen Vashti saw she had a spot.
She said, “Do I like this? Oh no I do not!
This will cause me such shame.” Said the
queen in a fit.
“No, I do not like this, not one little bit.
Now look what he did he’s so terribly mean,
by calling me to his party,” said the spotted up queen.
“He thinks he runs this palace, sits all day and eats cake,
He should not be in this house, he’s not royal, he’s fake.
He should not be here, tell him I said he should not,
He should get out of this house!” said the
queen with the spot.
And the spots she noticed were forming blots,
Which really are different from the former red dots.
But the big problem is that the spots that were blots,
Were about the same size as the spots that were dots.
Yet before she could tell which were dots or blots,
She noticed her tail with her spots and she plotzed.
On me oh my, Oh me oh my!
What a lot of funny things go by!

The king when he heard, just looked straight ahead.
“This is not the right kind of queen,” the king said.
“To deal with this queen will be hard,” said the king,
“I can’t do it alone,” said the king with the ring.
“You are my advisors and I keep you about,
And when I need help, then you help me out.”

“Now, now, have no fear we will save the day,
Us, your advisors, we’d take her away.
We’d hit that old queen as an example, you see,
She’d come off the old throne and into history.
You need for your kingdom a new sort of hen,
Who’ll roost her coop by the king’s word and then,
All women will know that the final word is HIS,
And life will be wonderful for all men gee-whiz!”

So they brought them from caves, and they brought
them from brooks.
They brought them from crannies and they brought
them from nooks,
That you don’t read about in geography books.
They brought them from places that no one can spell,
Girls whom the king would surely find to be swell.
And one of the messengers who was really clever,
Found a girl so special like you never saw ever.

Esther’s face did not shine in public, no way!
She sat in her house day after day.
She knew if she’d go out—forget go to a ball—
They’d find her if she went anywhere at all.
So all she could do was to sit, sit, sit, sit,
But she did not mind it, not one little bit.
But then something went BUMP,
How that bump made her jump!
She saw him walk in, he didn’t knock, didn’t ring,
She saw him, the messenger of Shushan’s king.
And he said to her, “Why, you are just the thing!”
But Esther said “No, no,” and she shook with fear.
“I want to stay in Mordechai’s home, do you hear?
Oh, what will they do to me, what can I say,
Oh, I do not like to be taken away!
So Mordechai fast,” said Esther. “Do you hear?
You are like my father, Uncle so dear.
So as fast as you can, think of something to do.
You will have to get rid of this messenger, Nu?”


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